Funny Thing Life,

Ok so in it's usual fashion, my life is crazy right now. My sister didn't try to kill herself but instead in a moment of rage, tried to give her hopefully one day X the biggest F.U she could. Now that this drama is over and my sister is getting the help she needs, I am yet again faced with death. My Great Grandmother passed away this past Saturday. While it is sad, my Grandma was 90 so it was not entirely unexpected. She lived a full life and one I hope that was filled with joy and happiness.

I have gotten a lot of flack from my family. You see my Great Grandma had a pace maker put in earlier this year because her heart was naturally slowing down. It made me mad. I felt that at 90 yrs old, it is natural for the body to slow down and eventually let our souls cross over. Now I am not heartless and I am in totally belief that my Grandma did not want to die. I would just hope that when it comes to my time to make that choice, I am strong enough to say goodbye to my family.

You see my Grandma was never the same after the surgery. Though it was not confirmed I feel that she may have had a stroke on the table for when she awoke she had a hard time recongizing people. Demensia set it and she spent her last few months in a nursing home. She didn't like it there and was always quotes saying "They are coming to take me home. I am not staying."

I feel for her now, and I felt for her then. Perhaps we only prolong her life, but when will life be long enough.


***So this was a ramble and just some thoughts, sorry I couldn't right more.***

It was just us three.


I am the oldest grand child of 5, not counting great grand children. And while there are 5 of us the first 3 of us were the closest. It was me, my sister and then my cousin. We were only separated by 3 years total. We grew up more like brother and sisters rather than cousin, when we were younger. Like all things life happened and we went out own ways during high school even though we went to the same school. My cousins parents split and since young men usually want to be with their fathers, my cousin lived with his dad. That didn't however break the bond we had formed as children. It was even stronger for my sister and him.

Come September 21, my cousin will have been dead for 3 years. It is amazing how fast the time has passed but how fresh the pain still feels. There are certain events were this is more true and none more like the event today. My sister purposefully ran her car into a telephone pole.

She survived and suffered only minor injuries. Here emotional state is something to be questioned. Her life, like all of our lives is far from perfect. But is a short moment she was able to forget about all and attempted to take her own life.

My husband, a police officer, states that it was not a true attempt as true attempts are often successful, but it should not go on seen. Whether or not it was a true 100% felt attempt, the point is she made the attempt. Sure is was a cry for help, something should could not vocally do. Maybe it was because of training, maybe it was because of the act but her attempt to take her life shook our family and devastated me.

My sister and me were all that was left of the 3 (My cousin, my sister and me). It was just my sister and me after my cousin died. Our relationship (like all relationships) evolved. It was not the best and had it's troubles but I still felt we were close. We still had that bond from childhood. I knew my sister was having troubles. I knew that their was pain. I though I offered on many occasions to assist, there was never a reply.

While I should and do think about my sister today, I can't help but feel hurt at her attempt. She is my only sibling, and the only other person who understands the relationship lost between our cousin and us. I am mad at her. When I went to see her in the hospital today I wanted nothing more than to bring in pictures of her children, of our friends, of our family. She was being so selfish! Sure life is hard and some more than most, but that is no reason to give up. She forgot about everything that should be important! Love.

I am so mad at her! A few years before our cousin was killed, we had a friend commit suicide. My sister was so mad at this friend. She didn't understand how she could be so selfish. We both had a hard time people who played around with the idea of committing suicide. So now that she made her own attempt to take her life I am MAD at her.

I know that this time is definitely not about me. It is about my sister and her demons. I am there for her and will continue to be there for her, but in these moments that I sit alone I am mad at her.

It was the three of us and one is already gone. I don't know what to say if it ends up being just one. :(


**My sister is medically ok and we are seeking help for her. If you need considering, thinking or planning suicide please get help and remember there is someone out there who cares. Link to help lines> http://www.befrienders.org/helplines/helplines.asp?c2=USA If you do not feel comfortable to to talking to them please feel free to contact me. sunnytreasures@yahoo.com. ***